Yes No [] [] My good feelings about myself stem from being liked by you.
[] [] My good feelings about myself stem from getting your approval.
[] [] My mental attention focuses on relieving your pain
[] [] My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
[] [] My own interests are set aside for your interests.
[] [] Your behavior is a reflection of me.
[] [] I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of you feel.
[] [] My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
[] [] My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
[] [] I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
[] [] I value your opinion more than I do my own
If you have marked yes to more than two of these questions, you might be codependent. Consider the following suggestions to becoming independent.
1. Do you agree just to agree? Codependents agree because they are afraid of confrontation; they just want to keep peace at any cost. Take a risk! The next time you honestly have a different opinion from someone, take a chance and say so. It will feel great!
2. Do you fear repercussions from others when you confront them? Codependents are under the illusion that everyone needs to be happy all of the time; they do not want to ever experience conflict. People must learn to deal with their own issues. You can’t solve them all for them. Conflict is growth and we all need to grow.
3. Can you distinguish between gut feelings and emotions? Codependents have conditioned themselves to always being wrong. They ignore the “gut feeling” and respond only to emotional pleas or promises. Sometimes you just “know” what you know. Learn to trust that feeling and ignore the emotional pleas and begging from those who would manipulate you.
4. Do you believe everyone who "advises" you? Keep counsel with only a selected few. Remember, not everyone will tell you the truth. Maintain counsel with tried and true friends, maybe even a counselor or therapist. Be aware that people may try to manipulate or control you by misuse of Bible scripture! There are some Christians who might say “God says…” to convince you to do something that will benefit them, not you.
5. Do you find it difficult to say no? Codependents must set their own boundaries and realize it is not merely being “selfish.” You must protect your own personal resources of time, money, and energy. Generally, people don’t really mind if you say “no” – they will just go on to look for someone who will say yes.
6. Do you accept blame for something just to avoid a fight or a confrontation? It is a matter of personal integrity to assign blame to the offending party. If you wrongly blame yourself, you are lying.
7. Do you feel you have to “rescue” a person from his or her own consequences? Everyone needs to be responsible for his/her own actions and reap the consequences. It is the law of reaping and sowing. You may not reap others’ rewards or consequences.
As we prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday, we are letting go of some old traditions and starting new ones.
Our son, his wife, and our two precious grandchildren live in North Carolina. New jobs, promotions, distance, term papers, and the economy all contribute to the impracticality of a family reunion this year. But we are thankful for them and for the many blessings they represent in our lives.
We are also changing our menu for Thanksgiving dinner. As the chef around here, I am rejecting the fat, cholesterol, and empty carbohydrates that have characterized holiday dinners in the past. No more pumpkin pie, sugar cookies, no-bakes, or caramel apple pies. The candied yams will have to go, along with the mounds of buttery, creamy mashed potatoes. No more scalloped corn or biscuits.
Well, we will have the roasted turkey, but I have a new recipe that adds flavor as it draws out the fat in the turkey. A pesto of cilantro or celery leaves inserted between the meat and the top skin cuts out a huge % of fat! I am still making dressing, but I am adding my own spices, using whole wheat bread and omega-3 eggs, and lean turkey broth.
Sweet potato casserole from fresh vegetables replace the oh-so-sweet candied yams of yesteryear. They will have an added crunch of pecans with some sugar-free maple syrup as a topping.
Mashed potatoes with skim milk and heart-healthy margarine will be served with thickened turkey broth.
For dessert, I am trying completely new recipes. We will still have pumpkin, but instead of the traditional pie served with whipped cream, I will make a pumpkin mousse made with low-fat ricotta cheese.
The other dessert, just to try, is a pear and raspberry strudel, made with phyllo dough. Fresh pears baked in the strudel and served with fresh raspberries.
Cookies to fill up the cooky jar will be oatmeal with dried cranberries and white chocolate chips. The secret to these delicious cookies is adding a little orange extract to the regular vanilla flavoring.
And cranberry salsa for the turkey.
Heart-healthy recipes from my cookbook library will add to the new holiday "flavor," as it were! :)
We are very thankful for all of the blessings we enjoy. Our children, our families, our church family, all the people God has placed in our lives.
We are thankful for our home and the beautiful kitchen I can work in. Our puppy Buddy, and of course, each other.
Thank you Father God for your Son, our Savior, and the life you have so richly blessed us with. To You be all the glory and the honor and praise!
Manners are a good thing! Saying 'Please' and 'Thank you' and 'You're welcome' and 'Excuse me' are all good things. Yes, Martha, yes Emily, good things.
Sometimes we repeat those phrases to make a point, to emphasize our gratitude, to acknowledge another's consideration. And maybe sometimes it is a habit. A good habit, perhaps but a habit nonetheless. Manners should be deliberate and on purpose. They should be conscious and sincere.
I hear a lot of thank you, Jesus. I say it a lot, too. We have so much for which to be thankful to Jesus. But I want to make it a conscious deliberate acknowledgment of what He did for me, for all of us. Sometimes I find myself thanking a store clerk for a refund with more emotion than I thank Jesus for saving me from eternal damnation. I say excuse me or I'm sorry when someone bumps into me in a line, but what I really need to do is ask Jesus for forgiveness, with at least the same degree of remorse!
He suffered and died a horrible death, a lonely life. He was often misunderstood, often ill-treated. He was betrayed, denied, and tortured. No matter what we do, or did, or will do, He asks His Father to forgive us. And He is able and just to forgive us of our sins.
He is everything. He is all. Without Him, we can do nothing. Thank you, Jesus!
Summer is almost over. This summer was a bit reminiscent of the childhood ones of long ago. Maybe because I entertained three adolescents this year. We cooked, sewed, had library days,movie days,swimming, walks when it wasn't quite so hot, browsing around little shops and stores ... lots of fun things. Some things didn't happen daily -- the daily devotions, goal planning, etc. I had gotten most of that done by the time the kids came, and being "summer" didn't insist that they participate. That might be better accomplished at home.
School starts soon. I have been readying my classroom, updating papers, notes, schedules, decor. Washing curtains, pillows, desks, windows.... I want school to start. I have lots of new goals, new dreams, new plans to execute this year, so I am looking forward to building the structure that allows me to operate at my best.
New students, new year, new everything! Welcome August 24th!
There are so many ways to say thank you. I like to accompany my expressions of gratitude with a gift or a sincere compliment; maybe an example of how a person's gifting has blessed my life.
My sister deserves a thank you. She has blessed me with an amazing monetary gift, enough to take care of quite a few immediate financial worries! But what I am truly grateful for is the fact that she listened, she heard, and she responded out of compassion and love. In her matter-of-fact, practical way, she tried to convey her reasoning to me, the whys and the wherefores. Reason has nothing to do with the love and the generosity and concern that she made apparent through her gift. I love this woman! Because she gifted me? Because she saw a need and she filled it? Obviously, I am thankful for that, but I am really thankful for the blessed woman of God that is my sister, who she is. She did what she did because of who she is, and I love who she is.
She is there when I need to talk, to share. It's funny, she thinks that is a one-way street with us! Oh, if she only knew how her cute little Texan drawl anchors me to reality when I am flying away, when I am trying to escape. If she only knew how gratifying it is that she asks for and actually heeds what I tell her what I've learned in my psychology classes. She could be my "Experimental Psych" class project! I practice my counseling listening skills on her, she thanks me! I made an audio tape for her one time as she was going through some scary medical moments -- she played it over and over to hear the voice of her big sister singing to her just as when we were children -- what a precious memory. She felt safe and I needed her to feel safe with me!
She takes care of our Mama, almost 90 now. She does so many things that we should never, ever take for granted. She asks for nothing in return, just a little time on the phone to connect. She preserves that bond, that sister bond so beautifully. When this sister was a tiny little girl, she always had her "banky" -- a tattered little baby blanket that was her constant companion. One day I got some fabric (from another darling sister -- more about her later!:) and it reminded me of her. I pieced together a quilt for her, stitched it all by hand so that all the love I could bring was sewn into that little quilt, that comforter. All the things I couldn't say, didn't say, is represented by a million little stitches. Thank you, sister.
God talented me with a sewing skill, and an imagination to go with it. This skill has always served as an avenue for blessing. It seems to go perfect with a "Thank You." I had to make another quilt. I signed it, and stitched a tiny thank you in one corner. This one is for the young lady, not a sister, not a daughter, but a treasured friend who gave me the chance to find my voice, to write the next chapter of my testimony. She believed in me, she had faith in me, she encouraged me to do it, to speak at an organized women's retreat that hosted 200 women! She emphasized by her encouragement that I indeed did have favor. She pointed out that I had the anointing to teach this lesson. She placed value on me and I received it as I had not before received. Value, she recognized me as a woman of worth, and I understood that God was trying to convey this message to me for a long time. She is a wise and caring person who deserves way more than I could possibly do for her. I ask that God bless her immeasurably. Thank you, Friend.
Thank you, Father, for the treasures you placed in my life.
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued: "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminded the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers: "Those who can...do. Those who can't ... teach."
To corroborate, he said to another guest: "You're a teacher, Susan," he said. "Be honest. What do you make?"
Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness, replied, "You want to know what I make?"
I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the student did not do his or her very best."
"I can make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence."
"I can make parents tremble in fear when I call home"
"You want to know what I make?"
"I make kids wonder."
"I make them question."
"I make them criticize."
"I make them apologize and mean it."
"I make them write."
"I make them read, read, read."
"I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, and definitely beautiful over and over and over again, until they will never misspell either one of those words again."
"I make them show all their work in math and hide it all on their final drafts in English."
"I make them understand that if you have the brains, then follow your heart...and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them no attention!"
I've been told all of my life to "speak up!" I also heard: "Don't be so shy, nobody will bite you." "Shut up!" "She doesn't have anything to say now; I guess I told her!" "Oh, here we go again, more stories." --all of which served to silence me.
You get the picture.
God doesn't have a time line, that I understand anyway. Is it too late at 50+ to break the silence? If I were asked that question in my 30s, I'd think, why bother then! What difference could it make by then?
satan began to steal my voice when I was about 4 years old. Later, he let me think I got it back, accessed through the use of alcohol and drugs. Oh, the things I said.....even a pirate would flunk one of my vocabulary tests back then, if you know what I mean!
I had an amazing opportunity to share with 200 women this past weekend. At first, I prayed for a good hair day; I mean how could I stand in front of everyone with weird hair? Oh, this is all about me -- wait, no it isn't, it's about what God wants me to do -- then I asked God to give me an anointing to reach whomever needed to hear this word, to "shake something loose" as a sweet friend of mine so aptly phrased it.
I shared my testimony, well, part of it -- I ran out of time. I trust that was God's doing as well. Did my words help anyone? Probably, but I don't know that personally. I did receive a lot of feedback on my particular brand of humor. In short, I made people laugh; that was fun! What I now know is that being willing to share, and preparing based on what I felt in my heart, and the act of speaking itself gave me a brand new testimony:
I found my voice.
And I had fun in that discovery! There is an indescribable freedom in following the plan God has for your life as you learn it. He reveals each step as it comes, as He readies and equips you for it.
Tomorrow. About 4:30 pm my sister Celia I need sister-time! half a week of complete understanding in-tune-ness no words necessary all heart my friend my sister forever
Too much to do. My list is long and I can only check off a few things. Some of my list involves others and I can't control that. I feel overwhelmed. Somme less-than-great situations challenge my generosity, and my grace. I am seriously lacking in either. Today. Maybe for awhile longer. I'm setting my "clock" to mid-April. Then I will be done! But are we ever done? Done for what? Peace. Jesus said we can find peace in the midst of the storm. OK
One of the rules of speech-making in my college class was "know your audience." I always considered the eye contact, what to do with your hands, the confident smiles, and the other stylistics of making a speech to be more important than who was listening to you. But that's the point-- you want to speak to the people sitting in front of you.
I have always wanted to teach and now I do. I teach 4th graders. I love 10-year-olds. Teaching has very little to do with stylistics, it has everything to do with audience.
For over seven years, I had been involved in local jail ministry. I led Bible studies, taught women how to read the Bible, and shared my testimony. I listened to their tales, their sorrows, and dreams and hopes. I shared my faith, added my faith to theirs for miracles to take place. Eventually my husband and I led chapel services on Sundays. I told them how I met Jesus and what He did for me. In short, I became as a friend to each inmate. I grew to love many of these sincere women who fell to the temptations of this world and ended up in jail.
In casual surveys asking what is your greatest fear, people answer to speak in front of a large group of people, even over and above fear of dying! That's crazy! But I was not afraid. I think because I was "just" being a friend. We talked, we shared, I didn't teach or preach. I listened, I didn't "counsel."
I loved my audience, my friends. These were women who made mistakes, well, ok, they outright committed crimes! They were sincere, honest, vulnerable, yet teachable. And they were broken, but they were shrewd. Most of the female inmates, as the county government agencies called women in jail, (I used to think that was horrid!) had "Phony Baloney" detectors which were usually 100% accurate. As a ministry volunteer, I didn't dare go in there and "bring them Jesus." I didn't preach to them about the Word, I merely shared it. If any volunteer thought they were the cat's pajamas and all that, those women would skin them alive! Or something like that.
If my testimony can help someone, serve as an example of what God can do in an ordinary woman's life, then I want to say it. I must. Maybe my words may unlock a need, a shyness that can then be treated.
So who is my audience now? Women in the church. In some ways, women in the church can be tougher than the women in jail. Women in church may face mental bars that lock them up, while women in jail face steel bars that lock them in. We used to say in jail ministry that we all face b-a-r-s -- bitterness, anger, regret, and sin -- that's what keeps us imprisoned as much as steel does! Women in church can disguise themselves with clothing and "Christianese," but women in jail only have their name and their word to distinguish one from another -- everything else has been stripped from them. Bible concepts translate differently. "Loving your neighbor" can mean two diametrically opposed things to each set of women. Jokes and humor have a raw edge that cancels out pretense or decorum. Shock value is at a premium and is used often.
Jail ministry was a part of my life, a part of my growth. It was a memorable time in my life and I am thankful for it. It is time to stretch again. I want to grow, to challenge myself. I want to find my voice.
That's not what Simon and Garfunkle had me believe when I was 15 or so. Their song "I Am a Rock" was my theme song. It gave me permission to staunchly protect my vulnerability. And close out everyone else.
A winters day In a deep and dark december; I am alone, Gazing from my window to the streets below On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow. I am a rock, I am an island. Ive built walls, A fortress deep and mighty, That none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. Its laughter and its loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island.
Dont talk of love, But Ive heard the words before; Its sleeping in my memory. I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved I never would have cried. I am a rock, I am an island.
I have my books And my poetry to protect me; I am shielded in my armor, Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain; And an island never cries.
But when I counted myself among the saved, I knew that there were many, many others who were included in this group, this group that belonged to Jesus. The numbers scared me, but as I began to know to Whom I belonged, the aforementioned wall began to be torn down. Maybe I could reach out and not feel pain. Maybe I could be safe outside my womb. Maybe my armor was futile against the penetrating love of Jesus. I felt like a rock sometimes, but that didn't mean I felt no pain -- I just felt burdened. I wanted to be an island, free from the relationships of others, but I was drowning in my own tears. At 15 or 16 years of age, there are no memories in slumber -- everything is new, is raw, is here, is now. To forget means to disregard oh-so-recent events. Time is relative. I loved and I was hurt. I befriended but I was betrayed. But to really love is to risk the pain of rejection and betrayal. As a grown woman who hasn't seen 15 for several decades, I have learned the value of relationships, and indeed, am learning all the time. Some of my teachers are children, young adults, and of course, Jesus. God IS love. Perfect love casts out all fear. See, I didn't hate people -- I was just afraid of them.
I have come to a juncture in my life where I must share my hard-earned lessons. I am learning to love people, and it is quite revelating. God must grant me the words, the grace, and the motive to speak into the lives of others. If we are not here to help anyone, then what are we here for? To take up space?
Jesus penetrated my stony heart, my selfish heart. His love opened up the vault that I had closed for so long. No man is an island is a true proverb and that is how God made it. He is a relational God and He meant for it to stay that way.
What with electronic journaling and blogs, I'm not sure where I want to record my thoughts and feelings, stories and events. My fingers dash across the keyboard, and I can instantly edit the "dumb" stuff. It's fun. But I have beautifully bound thick books with endless empty pages calling me, coaxing me to write there. I have one that closely guards my most secret ramblings, shame, pride, resentment, lots of things like that are in there. Private. Not something I display. I have a cute little red leather one -- I got it because it was cute, it was little and it was red and it was leather. I put a laughing picture of myself -- a reminder to not take myself so seriously as we melancholies are wont to do, in the cover slot. I planned to record funny things I have heard, stories of my precious grandchildren.... alas, the book is empty. The collection of journals is a testament to my good intentions. I blog, as this page is proof of yet another attempt to add a sense of posterity to my life. But it might showcase stupidity, and a host of other adjectives that I might not want to advertise.
Well, as I learned about a hundred years ago -- writers write. So write. Doens't really matter where. Does it?
I am so sorry to know that you are hurting. Ah, if you only knew how I want to make things right for you, good for you; make everything okay. And things will be right, they will be good, they will be okay. But there is a divine timetable of which we mortals are generally unaware, that marks our growth, rather our willingness to grow. Well-meaning humans often interfere with God’s plan for us and we suffer a detour to health and wholeness. Grief has its lessons. Troubles, heartaches, tragedy – they all give their lessons in this we call the school of life. If I knew the lessons that God was using to teach me what I needed to know before I experienced them, I would have balked and done anything to avoid them. I would have preferred “stupidity” to maturity, to wholeness, to awakening. If we don’t grow, why were we born? It is a question often asked by those who are confused and bewildered by life. Those who expect fairness or justice use the ageless argument: If there really is a God, why does He ………………..? fill in the blank.
I don’t know why Daddy left a large family at such a young age. I don’t know why my precious little daughter was put on this earth for a fraction of her life. But I do know that in seeking for those answers, I did find the One who can answer all of my questions. Well, let me tell you, my darling sister, there really is a God. To be sure, there is a God. I know you know that. He gave us a free will and that’s why the world is in such a mess. We screwed it up with our free wills. God is here to help us travel through the channels of life’s experiences to reach the pinnacle of purpose, of destiny. He is here to help us out of the consequences of our free will!
God ordained a way of life for His creation. That way of life for man did not include the alcohol and the carcinogens that claimed our daddy’s life. The way of that lifestyle is self-explanatory. The only problem with it is that we don’t really believe it will happen to us – until it does. Then we want out of it. Then we pray. And we blame God for it, or if we don’t, we expect Him to clean it all up for us, and why not? He is God, right? Well, God won’t violate His own laws. If he negates the consequences of free will then he negates his own law. But God is sovereign -- He can do whatever he wants.
What I want to say to you addresses some things that you are doing, some ways of thinking that you might have (or at least show evidences of) and I want to try to use my own life as an illustration so you won’t think I am judging you. I’m not judging you. I can judge myself, but not you. But please listen.
First of all, let me say something about salvation. Yes, if you call upon the Name of the Lord, you will be saved. But when it happens for real, Little Sister, the One who prompted you to call on His Name is there. It makes a difference. It makes the difference between what is real and what we imagine to be real. What is “supposed to happen” and what really happens. Sometimes we call upon the name of the lord to see if he will answer, to see if he is really there, to challenge the existence or the willingness of God.
When I called on the Name of the Lord about 25 years ago, I had a fresh packet of hypos at home and a dime of coke hidden in the typewriter. I had downers to help me with the crash and I had beer to mellow out and ease me back into my normal schedule. I had every intention of shooting up when I got home. I was going to “celebrate” my salvation, launch my “new life” with one last big coke rush. Kind of like that Saturday night pig-out before Diet Monday, know what I mean?
I didn’t call out for divine help just to see if He would answer. I called out to save my life. I was desperate. I wanted to die, I wanted relief from the pain I had known all of my miserable life. When help came, I met my Lord and Savior. Face to face. I recognized the almighty resurrection power of the Only One who could write in the Lamb’s book of life. I recognized that He alone could save me from myself, my sin, and my losses. Little sister, I owe Him so much. There is nothing I would not do for my Jesus. He gently guided me, as He has all of these years, to a place where I can receive from him. He died for me. If you have ever studied about the agonizing method of death by crucifixion, knowing that he surrendered to the divine will of the father to accept his fate, you can see how he loved us enough to die for us. And for all of humanity throughout time. You can get an idea. And then, as Father God, to give his only begotten son, for us, while we were yet sinners (not repentant and sorry and wishing we were better – no! when we were still arrogantly sinning!). Can you think of willingly giving the life of one of your children or even one of your grandchildren, witnessing his or her excruciating pain for a bunch of ingrates who curse you, blame you for anything and everything, and then deny your existence!
So let’s talk about losses. I can make an extensive list. You’re familiar with some of the more salient items on my list. I lost acceptance, and knew utter rejection (Mother’s version of the rape/abortion story that she told each of us was ours was sort of the genesis of my rejection…) Psychology tells us that parental rejection is the very worst kind and that it re-wires our childhood brain and programs us for failure, misery, suspicion, insecurity, lack of confidence, indecision, and self-loathing as we reach adulthood. That set me up for a life of disappointment and negativity. I spent 33 horrible years loathing the person I was and detesting the One who created me because of it! Said the clay to the potter: ‘Why make me thou thus?’ -- that was my constant complaint – Oh God why did you make me like this? Why didn’t you make me pretty? I don’t want to be smart, boys don’t like smart girls. You put me in a big family where I am just a number. Who am I?
When I read and understood Psalm 139, it was life-changing. It was pivotal. God made me on purpose! Me! On purpose.
Through salvation I re-entered childhood, I was re-born, and that’s why we say we are “born-again Christians.” (Usually that term is referred to jokingly, condescendingly as a religious fanatic!) There’s no other way to escape the ravages of sin. I searched for myself, reasons for living, I searched for my destiny, why things happened to me, why my little daughter died, why my husband killed himself, why this, why that…? I found some of the answers, but more importantly, I found the Answerer. And sometimes the details and the whys of our lives don’t really even matter because the personal relationship with Jesus eclipses our need for answers. He is all-encompassing, all loving, all fulfilling – he completely fills the void in our lives through every phase and space of our spirit, soul, and body.
Little sister, when you allow Jesus to meet your need through the power of his love for you, it will substitute your need for the numbing, dulling effects of alcohol. Or the habitual comfort of nicotine. Or the escapism of drugs. Or sex. Or movies. Or books. Or volunteering. Or school or classes. Or ANYthing that replaces the need for God in our lives. To be sure, it is a process. We become physically dependent on substances and activities that create a physiological habituation that can only be addressed through time.
When the alcohol isn’t satisfying that insatiable thirst, the drugs aren’t strong enough to deaden that excruciating pain, and we can’t smoke enough cigarettes to camouflage the stench of defeat in our lives, then we can turn to the only one we can turn to – Jesus. He accepts us, there is no rejection. He forgives us, he remembers our sin no more. God sees us through the eyes of Jesus and His love for us and we are perfect. We are mature, we are whole. We are his. We belong to him and He takes care of that which belongs to him. You were bought with a price, my sister. You were bought with the blood of Jesus. And the value of a thing is based on the amount paid for it. What is worth the blood of the son of the creator of the universe? You. You are worth it. Every drop of it.
And when you know Jesus can save you, help you, change you, then you know he can do it for those you love. The unspeakable indescribable pain that you feel for your children, for your grandchildren – you will understand that Jesus can and will help them. Just as I know he helped me, he saved me, I have every trust and confidence that he will do it for you. I can’t do it for you but I know the One who can.
Is Jesus calling you? Can you hear him?
I have asked Jesus to call you, my dear little sister, for many years. Do you hear his voice? Listen. I think you do.
Please know, Little Sister, that I love you as much as I love life itself. But I can never love you as much as Jesus does.
I am proud to be a citizen of a country that has made a measure of success into the issue of racism. Huge prices have been paid for dreams and rights. We celebrate the life of Martin Luther King and his accomplishments and our country has benefited from his contributions, and his ultimate sacrifice. The work continues with President Obama, the leader of our country. I studied racism in college and this paper represents some of my thoughts and observances as related to social psychology. It seems very relevant to me now.
Racial Concept with Respect to Self and Others
Whites are the “nondefined definers of other people” according to Ruth Frankenberg, a professor of American studies at the University of California.[1]There exists a distinct but invisible system that divides “people of color” from “whiteness.”This system is at the heart of racism -- the institutional practice that discriminates in spite of possibly not having any prejudicial intent.
Racial identity was defined using new words such as described in an article published in The Washington Post entitled “The Evolution of Identity.” For instance, by 1860, only three racial categories existed: White, Black, and Mulatto. These racial designations reflect the formative years of the political social hierarchy in the New World. As the country grew, other fractional classifications were added, such as “Octoroon,” signifying a one-eighth black contribution to the individual’s bloodline. [2] But the concept of“white” never changed from its uppermost position.
We are all aware of overt prejudice and discrimination.However, what some of us may not be sensitive to is that the white position is sustained by an institutional set of benefits that allows whites to be unconsciously aware that they may be operating from indirect prejudice.The concept of race determines the social interactions that one race has with another.Prejudicelargely remains hiddenuntil evoked by circumstances, butsurfaces when a person or a group feels it is safe to do so.
Stereotypes
Heuristics Self-affirmation theory
Fundamental attribution error; internal and external attributionsStatus
Confirmation bias
Stereotyping is a normal part of how people operate in society, a kind of heuristic, or shortcut that simplifies social interaction. However, stereotyping can be used as sweeping generalizations that places people into categories that do not allow for individual personalities.Stereotypes create a perception and the perception reinforces the stereotype.This circular thinking is called confirmation bias.We actively seek clues to support our beliefs, but when we come face to face with diversity, it is very difficult to maintain bias.As a result of this class, I find myself questioning my personal motives for liking or not liking a person, thus, exposing biases I may take for granted.
The fundamental attribution error may cause us to believe that situational influences, or external ones, are less likely to describe a person’s behavior than dispositional, or internal, attributions.Those attributed with social power may be credited beyond their area of knowledge.For instance, a medical doctor is often presumed to be expert on things other than medicine.
When relating to groups, a person may conclude that John, a black man, did not get the job he applied for because he is less qualified than, say, Tom, a white man, who didn’t get the job either but because he got a better offer someplace else or he changed his mind.
The self-serving bias also relates to groups: when groups are comparable, most people consider their own group superior.
The self-affirmation theory assumes that a person will protect his/her self-esteem by focusing on other favorable traits he or she might have, however unrelated those traits may be in the specific situation.
In a sports competition, for example, John outmatched Tom nine times out of ten.Tom may console himself with his perception that he is a much better academic than John.
Status involves the reciprocal nature of roles.For one group of people to be in power means that another must be subordinate; this arrangement provides a social order.And generally, the lower status group has less freedom. A white person may assign more power to one who is also white, therefore, more like himself.Conflict emerges whena member of one race, other than the one to which he belongs, is in power over another.
Attitudes
2nd hand attitudesSelf-esteem
Cognitive dissonance
Secondhand attitudes may be the source of a person’s attitude about another racial member.We can get secondhand attitudes from our parents, family traditions, and even friends.
A white woman has a white friend who was raped by a black man.Ever since she learned of the incident, the first woman has been afraid of black men and possible rape situations. To be afraid of the man (of any color) who did indeed rape her friend might be reasonable, but this woman adopted her friend’s fears and assigned them to herself.
It is interesting to note that when a white woman is raped by a black man, she often becomes afraid of the entire race; conversely a woman raped by a member of her own race does not usually generate that attitude to all men of that race.Sometimes, however, either woman may develop a distinct fear of all men, regardless of race.
A high level of self-esteem shows that we feel valuable and worthwhile and good about ourselves.Low levels of self-esteem may indicate that a person feels he does not quite measure up to other people.
If a young African-American girl, for instance, experiences relentless discrimination in her neighborhood, or perhaps on the school bus, she may conclude that she is not valued, and this in turn, could affect her self-esteem.
Cognitive dissonance theory states that when people feel a tension between what they believe and what they actually say or do, they will do what it takes to reduce that tension.Either they will come to believe what they are saying or they may try to justify their original beliefs.People may also trivialize their attitude or use a rationale as a defense mechanism to reduce dissonance.
Mary (white) had many secondhand attitudes about blacks.She heard all of her life that blacks are likely to attack or steal, that their main source of income comes from the illegal sale of drugs, and that all black men (sexually) desire white women.As a young adult, removed from family influences, Mary developed a friendship with a black male co-worker.Mary was subject to the cognitive dissonance theory: she felt a tension between traditional family beliefs and her new friendship.She reduced the tension by endeavoring to educate herself about black culture and discovered that her former viewpoint was unreliable.
Prejudice and Discrimination
Beginnings of biasOutgroups/Prejudice as dissonance fixing
Attributions of prejudiceBeing ‘colorblind”
Prejudice is an attitude and discrimination is a behavior.Both are directed at outgroups and are negative; together these characteristics encompass racism.
Prejudice is more prevalent than discriminatory behavior and private thought can operate as dissonance fixing. An outgroup is any group with which a person does not share membership. When referring to different groups, such as the African-American community, Asians, and now, particularly Arabs, I have heard comments that illustrate the homogeneity effect: “They all look alike.”
Attributions of prejudice:Attributions of control and perceptions of cultural value do predict prejudice in cultural groups.The middle-class is more likely to assume that others’ behavior is derived from internal explanations. They often attribute poverty and unemployment to personal dispositions (lazy and undeserving) when, in fact institutional restrictions are responsible.They see these individuals as personally responsible for not living up to traditional cultural values.
Perceptions, with regard to people of color, are evaluated according to the actors.In a study done by Birt Duncan at the University of California (text), white students observed one man shoving another.When the shover was black and the shoved was white, the act was interpreted as violent.In a reversed scenario, the white man was only “horsing around.”
But to say we are colorblind does not mean that we are not prejudiced.Often, this phraseology is a sincere, but misguided attempt to mitigate prejudice. For instance, to say, I see you as a colorless (but not white) person, not as an individual representative of your race, means to bleach you of your heritage and culture. We must embrace color, not pretend we don’t see it.
Social Perceptions
1st impressions Paralanguage
Self-monitoring
For first impressions with regards to race, I can guess that the central organizing trait may be operating and prejudicial thinking would often give way to stereotyping: Our instructor is black; my supervisor is black. The African-American professor could have the highest student evaluations on campus, but for a prejudiced student, his race might carry more weight than his ability to teach.(Fortunately, I have seen very few incidents of this nature: expectedly, none among younger students, more with returning adult students. More often, I see patronizing instances in the case of young instructors/older students, irrespective of race.)
Body language or paralanguage may often say more about what a person is really feeling than what he is saying.Stephen Morin conducted a study in which he tested subjects who claimed to have no conflict with gay people.Cameras revealed a deliberate distancing when subjects believed they were talking with a gay person that contradicted their prior verbal assertions.I have witnessed screaming paralanguage: My cousin married a man, Skip, of African-American descent – our family reunions are the perfect occasions to observe nonverbal communications in action.This courageous affable man is quite generously understanding with his white family. Skip may be very high self-monitoring; that is, he may exercise good control over his facial expressions to create a favorable impression and to conceal his true assessments.Conversely, some of our low self-monitoring family members maintain their dispositions regardless of the social situation, and their dislike of diversity is almost palpable.
Helping Behavior
When and whom people helpAltruism/Egoism
With regards to helping behavior, bigoted people are more likely to demonstrate discriminatory behavior when they are angry or when a recipient is unable to retaliate.If there is a black victim, and there is no apparent excuse for not helping, the victim will more than likely receive help.If any excuse existed, the bigot will use the excuse to refuse to help.Even time constraints can make a person unwilling to help.
Palliadin and Palliadin conducted a study on helping behavior, using many different combinations to create 103 different scenarios.They arranged to have three confederates get on the subway: the actor collapsed and the two observers, one of which often wore a white lab coat symbolic of the helping/medical profession, recorded who did and who did not help.Of interest to the issue of discrimination, one of the experiments featured the victim with a large purple facial birthmark.The study showed that black subway riders were more likely to help the stigmatized victim.This could be, in part, due to empathy on the part of the black helpers – they certainly can relate to blatant discrimination.
In a telephone study, the confederate dialed subjects’ phone numbers under the guise of trying to reach a garage because his/her car was broken down.The confederate went on to say that he/she had just used the last quarter, and would the called person (the dependent variable) do a favor and call the garage for the confederate.In most cases, people did relay the message to the garage.Interestingly enough, race did not seem to make a difference on whether or not the call to the garage was made.(This was tested with the confederate caller using a “black” voice.)
People help for altruistic reasons: that is, without conscious regard for their self-interest.Another reason people help is because of egoism: to feel better about themselves and/or to confirm a good self-concept, to avoid guilt feelings, to look good to others, or even as an “investment” – as in back scratching – “I help you now, and someday you can return the favor.”
[1] “Whiteness as an “Unmarked” Cultural Category.”Frankenberg. Article 6.The Meaning of Difference. Eds. Rosenblum, Travis.2nd edition. McGraw-Hill. 2000.
[2] AmeriStat, “200 Years of U.S. Census Taking: Population and Housing Questions 1790-1990.”U.S. Census Bureau.FROM: The Washington Post, Federal Page, August 13, 2001.
Yay! I did it, my first blog. Look, Theresa!
This electronic journal not only can record my thoughts, but does it using my fave medium, the keyboard.
That's aaaalll, folks! Keep posted.
