A testimony, a letter to my sister

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Dear Little Sister,

I am so sorry to know that you are hurting. Ah, if you only knew how I want to make things right for you, good for you; make everything okay. And things will be right, they will be good, they will be okay. But there is a divine timetable of which we mortals are generally unaware, that marks our growth, rather our willingness to grow. Well-meaning humans often interfere with God’s plan for us and we suffer a detour to health and wholeness. Grief has its lessons. Troubles, heartaches, tragedy – they all give their lessons in this we call the school of life. If I knew the lessons that God was using to teach me what I needed to know before I experienced them, I would have balked and done anything to avoid them. I would have preferred “stupidity” to maturity, to wholeness, to awakening. If we don’t grow, why were we born? It is a question often asked by those who are confused and bewildered by life. Those who expect fairness or justice use the ageless argument: If there really is a God, why does He ………………..? fill in the blank.

I don’t know why Daddy left a large family at such a young age. I don’t know why my precious little daughter was put on this earth for a fraction of her life. But I do know that in seeking for those answers, I did find the One who can answer all of my questions. Well, let me tell you, my darling sister, there really is a God. To be sure, there is a God. I know you know that. He gave us a free will and that’s why the world is in such a mess. We screwed it up with our free wills. God is here to help us travel through the channels of life’s experiences to reach the pinnacle of purpose, of destiny. He is here to help us out of the consequences of our free will!

God ordained a way of life for His creation. That way of life for man did not include the alcohol and the carcinogens that claimed our daddy’s life. The way of that lifestyle is self-explanatory. The only problem with it is that we don’t really believe it will happen to us – until it does. Then we want out of it. Then we pray. And we blame God for it, or if we don’t, we expect Him to clean it all up for us, and why not? He is God, right? Well, God won’t violate His own laws. If he negates the consequences of free will then he negates his own law. But God is sovereign -- He can do whatever he wants.

What I want to say to you addresses some things that you are doing, some ways of thinking that you might have (or at least show evidences of) and I want to try to use my own life as an illustration so you won’t think I am judging you. I’m not judging you. I can judge myself, but not you. But please listen.

First of all, let me say something about salvation. Yes, if you call upon the Name of the Lord, you will be saved. But when it happens for real, Little Sister, the One who prompted you to call on His Name is there. It makes a difference. It makes the difference between what is real and what we imagine to be real. What is “supposed to happen” and what really happens. Sometimes we call upon the name of the lord to see if he will answer, to see if he is really there, to challenge the existence or the willingness of God.

When I called on the Name of the Lord about 25 years ago, I had a fresh packet of hypos at home and a dime of coke hidden in the typewriter. I had downers to help me with the crash and I had beer to mellow out and ease me back into my normal schedule. I had every intention of shooting up when I got home. I was going to “celebrate” my salvation, launch my “new life” with one last big coke rush. Kind of like that Saturday night pig-out before Diet Monday, know what I mean?

I didn’t call out for divine help just to see if He would answer. I called out to save my life. I was desperate. I wanted to die, I wanted relief from the pain I had known all of my miserable life. When help came, I met my Lord and Savior. Face to face. I recognized the almighty resurrection power of the Only One who could write in the Lamb’s book of life. I recognized that He alone could save me from myself, my sin, and my losses. Little sister, I owe Him so much. There is nothing I would not do for my Jesus. He gently guided me, as He has all of these years, to a place where I can receive from him. He died for me. If you have ever studied about the agonizing method of death by crucifixion, knowing that he surrendered to the divine will of the father to accept his fate, you can see how he loved us enough to die for us. And for all of humanity throughout time. You can get an idea. And then, as Father God, to give his only begotten son, for us, while we were yet sinners (not repentant and sorry and wishing we were better – no! when we were still arrogantly sinning!). Can you think of willingly giving the life of one of your children or even one of your grandchildren, witnessing his or her excruciating pain for a bunch of ingrates who curse you, blame you for anything and everything, and then deny your existence!

So let’s talk about losses. I can make an extensive list. You’re familiar with some of the more salient items on my list. I lost acceptance, and knew utter rejection (Mother’s version of the rape/abortion story that she told each of us was ours was sort of the genesis of my rejection…) Psychology tells us that parental rejection is the very worst kind and that it re-wires our childhood brain and programs us for failure, misery, suspicion, insecurity, lack of confidence, indecision, and self-loathing as we reach adulthood. That set me up for a life of disappointment and negativity. I spent 33 horrible years loathing the person I was and detesting the One who created me because of it! Said the clay to the potter: ‘Why make me thou thus?’ -- that was my constant complaint – Oh God why did you make me like this? Why didn’t you make me pretty? I don’t want to be smart, boys don’t like smart girls. You put me in a big family where I am just a number. Who am I?

When I read and understood Psalm 139, it was life-changing. It was pivotal. God made me on purpose! Me! On purpose.

Through salvation I re-entered childhood, I was re-born, and that’s why we say we are “born-again Christians.” (Usually that term is referred to jokingly, condescendingly as a religious fanatic!) There’s no other way to escape the ravages of sin. I searched for myself, reasons for living, I searched for my destiny, why things happened to me, why my little daughter died, why my husband killed himself, why this, why that…? I found some of the answers, but more importantly, I found the Answerer. And sometimes the details and the whys of our lives don’t really even matter because the personal relationship with Jesus eclipses our need for answers. He is all-encompassing, all loving, all fulfilling – he completely fills the void in our lives through every phase and space of our spirit, soul, and body.

Little sister, when you allow Jesus to meet your need through the power of his love for you, it will substitute your need for the numbing, dulling effects of alcohol. Or the habitual comfort of nicotine. Or the escapism of drugs. Or sex. Or movies. Or books. Or volunteering. Or school or classes. Or ANYthing that replaces the need for God in our lives. To be sure, it is a process. We become physically dependent on substances and activities that create a physiological habituation that can only be addressed through time.

When the alcohol isn’t satisfying that insatiable thirst, the drugs aren’t strong enough to deaden that excruciating pain, and we can’t smoke enough cigarettes to camouflage the stench of defeat in our lives, then we can turn to the only one we can turn to – Jesus. He accepts us, there is no rejection. He forgives us, he remembers our sin no more. God sees us through the eyes of Jesus and His love for us and we are perfect. We are mature, we are whole. We are his. We belong to him and He takes care of that which belongs to him. You were bought with a price, my sister. You were bought with the blood of Jesus. And the value of a thing is based on the amount paid for it. What is worth the blood of the son of the creator of the universe? You. You are worth it. Every drop of it.

And when you know Jesus can save you, help you, change you, then you know he can do it for those you love. The unspeakable indescribable pain that you feel for your children, for your grandchildren – you will understand that Jesus can and will help them. Just as I know he helped me, he saved me, I have every trust and confidence that he will do it for you. I can’t do it for you but I know the One who can.

Is Jesus calling you? Can you hear him?

I have asked Jesus to call you, my dear little sister, for many years. Do you hear his voice? Listen. I think you do.

Please know, Little Sister, that I love you as much as I love life itself. But I can never love you as much as Jesus does.

Always and ever,

Your Big Sister

Racial Concept

I am proud to be a citizen of a country that has made a measure of success into the issue of racism. Huge prices have been paid for dreams and rights. We celebrate the life of Martin Luther King and his accomplishments and our country has benefited from his contributions, and his ultimate sacrifice. The work continues with President Obama, the leader of our country. I studied racism in college and this paper represents some of my thoughts and observances as related to social psychology. It seems very relevant to me now.

Racial Concept with Respect to Self and Others

Whites are the “nondefined definers of other people” according to Ruth Frankenberg, a professor of American studies at the University of California.[1] There exists a distinct but invisible system that divides “people of color” from “whiteness.” This system is at the heart of racism -- the institutional practice that discriminates in spite of possibly not having any prejudicial intent.

Racial identity was defined using new words such as described in an article published in The Washington Post entitled “The Evolution of Identity.” For instance, by 1860, only three racial categories existed: White, Black, and Mulatto. These racial designations reflect the formative years of the political social hierarchy in the New World. As the country grew, other fractional classifications were added, such as “Octoroon,” signifying a one-eighth black contribution to the individual’s bloodline. [2] But the concept of “white” never changed from its uppermost position.

We are all aware of overt prejudice and discrimination. However, what some of us may not be sensitive to is that the white position is sustained by an institutional set of benefits that allows whites to be unconsciously aware that they may be operating from indirect prejudice. The concept of race determines the social interactions that one race has with another. Prejudice largely remains hidden until evoked by circumstances, but surfaces when a person or a group feels it is safe to do so.

Stereotypes

Heuristics Self-affirmation theory

Fundamental attribution error; internal and external attributions Status

Confirmation bias

Stereotyping is a normal part of how people operate in society, a kind of heuristic, or shortcut that simplifies social interaction. However, stereotyping can be used as sweeping generalizations that places people into categories that do not allow for individual personalities. Stereotypes create a perception and the perception reinforces the stereotype. This circular thinking is called confirmation bias. We actively seek clues to support our beliefs, but when we come face to face with diversity, it is very difficult to maintain bias. As a result of this class, I find myself questioning my personal motives for liking or not liking a person, thus, exposing biases I may take for granted.

The fundamental attribution error may cause us to believe that situational influences, or external ones, are less likely to describe a person’s behavior than dispositional, or internal, attributions. Those attributed with social power may be credited beyond their area of knowledge. For instance, a medical doctor is often presumed to be expert on things other than medicine.

When relating to groups, a person may conclude that John, a black man, did not get the job he applied for because he is less qualified than, say, Tom, a white man, who didn’t get the job either but because he got a better offer someplace else or he changed his mind.

The self-serving bias also relates to groups: when groups are comparable, most people consider their own group superior.

The self-affirmation theory assumes that a person will protect his/her self-esteem by focusing on other favorable traits he or she might have, however unrelated those traits may be in the specific situation.

In a sports competition, for example, John outmatched Tom nine times out of ten. Tom may console himself with his perception that he is a much better academic than John.

Status involves the reciprocal nature of roles. For one group of people to be in power means that another must be subordinate; this arrangement provides a social order. And generally, the lower status group has less freedom. A white person may assign more power to one who is also white, therefore, more like himself. Conflict emerges whena member of one race, other than the one to which he belongs, is in power over another.

Attitudes

2^nd hand attitudes Self-esteem

Cognitive dissonance

Secondhand attitudes may be the source of a person’s attitude about another racial member. We can get secondhand attitudes from our parents, family traditions, and even friends.

A white woman has a white friend who was raped by a black man. Ever since she learned of the incident, the first woman has been afraid of black men and possible rape situations. To be afraid of the man (of any color) who did indeed rape her friend might be reasonable, but this woman adopted her friend’s fears and assigned them to herself.

It is interesting to note that when a white woman is raped by a black man, she often becomes afraid of the entire race; conversely a woman raped by a member of her own race does not usually generate that attitude to all men of that race. Sometimes, however, either woman may develop a distinct fear of all men, regardless of race.

A high level of self-esteem shows that we feel valuable and worthwhile and good about ourselves. Low levels of self-esteem may indicate that a person feels he does not quite measure up to other people.

If a young African-American girl, for instance, experiences relentless discrimination in her neighborhood, or perhaps on the school bus, she may conclude that she is not valued, and this in turn, could affect her self-esteem.

Cognitive dissonance theory states that when people feel a tension between what they believe and what they actually say or do, they will do what it takes to reduce that tension. Either they will come to believe what they are saying or they may try to justify their original beliefs. People may also trivialize their attitude or use a rationale as a defense mechanism to reduce dissonance.

Mary (white) had many secondhand attitudes about blacks. She heard all of her life that blacks are likely to attack or steal, that their main source of income comes from the illegal sale of drugs, and that all black men (sexually) desire white women. As a young adult, removed from family influences, Mary developed a friendship with a black male co-worker. Mary was subject to the cognitive dissonance theory: she felt a tension between traditional family beliefs and her new friendship. She reduced the tension by endeavoring to educate herself about black culture and discovered that her former viewpoint was unreliable.

Prejudice and Discrimination

Beginnings of bias Outgroups/Prejudice as dissonance fixing

Attributions of prejudice Being ‘colorblind”

Prejudice is an attitude and discrimination is a behavior. Both are directed at outgroups and are negative; together these characteristics encompass racism.

The beginnings of bias can quite possible originate with our political system. Thinly veiled discrimination may require a person of color to take a literacy test for voting (passé now); or height requirements for policemen and flight attendants may target different groups. Children learn cultural messages (unconscious bias) by the time they reach the age of five. Having been exposed to racism all of my life, I have done extensive personal work to dispel many myths I had learned as “truth.”

Prejudice is more prevalent than discriminatory behavior and private thought can operate as dissonance fixing. An outgroup is any group with which a person does not share membership. When referring to different groups, such as the African-American community, Asians, and now, particularly Arabs, I have heard comments that illustrate the homogeneity effect: “They all look alike.”

Attributions of prejudice: Attributions of control and perceptions of cultural value do predict prejudice in cultural groups. The middle-class is more likely to assume that others’ behavior is derived from internal explanations. They often attribute poverty and unemployment to personal dispositions (lazy and undeserving) when, in fact institutional restrictions are responsible. They see these individuals as personally responsible for not living up to traditional cultural values.

Perceptions, with regard to people of color, are evaluated according to the actors. In a study done by Birt Duncan at the University of California (text), white students observed one man shoving another. When the shover was black and the shoved was white, the act was interpreted as violent. In a reversed scenario, the white man was only “horsing around.”

But to say we are colorblind does not mean that we are not prejudiced. Often, this phraseology is a sincere, but misguided attempt to mitigate prejudice. For instance, to say, I see you as a colorless (but not white) person, not as an individual representative of your race, means to bleach you of your heritage and culture. We must embrace color, not pretend we don’t see it.

Social Perceptions

1^st impressions Paralanguage

Self-monitoring

For first impressions with regards to race, I can guess that the central organizing trait may be operating and prejudicial thinking would often give way to stereotyping: Our instructor is black; my supervisor is black. The African-American professor could have the highest student evaluations on campus, but for a prejudiced student, his race might carry more weight than his ability to teach. (Fortunately, I have seen very few incidents of this nature: expectedly, none among younger students, more with returning adult students. More often, I see patronizing instances in the case of young instructors/older students, irrespective of race.)

Body language or paralanguage may often say more about what a person is really feeling than what he is saying. Stephen Morin conducted a study in which he tested subjects who claimed to have no conflict with gay people. Cameras revealed a deliberate distancing when subjects believed they were talking with a gay person that contradicted their prior verbal assertions. I have witnessed screaming paralanguage: My cousin married a man, Skip, of African-American descent – our family reunions are the perfect occasions to observe nonverbal communications in action. This courageous affable man is quite generously understanding with his white family. Skip may be very high self-monitoring; that is, he may exercise good control over his facial expressions to create a favorable impression and to conceal his true assessments. Conversely, some of our low self-monitoring family members maintain their dispositions regardless of the social situation, and their dislike of diversity is almost palpable.

Helping Behavior

When and whom people help Altruism/Egoism

With regards to helping behavior, bigoted people are more likely to demonstrate discriminatory behavior when they are angry or when a recipient is unable to retaliate. If there is a black victim, and there is no apparent excuse for not helping, the victim will more than likely receive help. If any excuse existed, the bigot will use the excuse to refuse to help. Even time constraints can make a person unwilling to help.

Palliadin and Palliadin conducted a study on helping behavior, using many different combinations to create 103 different scenarios. They arranged to have three confederates get on the subway: the actor collapsed and the two observers, one of which often wore a white lab coat symbolic of the helping/medical profession, recorded who did and who did not help. Of interest to the issue of discrimination, one of the experiments featured the victim with a large purple facial birthmark. The study showed that black subway riders were more likely to help the stigmatized victim. This could be, in part, due to empathy on the part of the black helpers – they certainly can relate to blatant discrimination.

In a telephone study, the confederate dialed subjects’ phone numbers under the guise of trying to reach a garage because his/her car was broken down. The confederate went on to say that he/she had just used the last quarter, and would the called person (the dependent variable) do a favor and call the garage for the confederate. In most cases, people did relay the message to the garage. Interestingly enough, race did not seem to make a difference on whether or not the call to the garage was made. (This was tested with the confederate caller using a “black” voice.)

People help for altruistic reasons: that is, without conscious regard for their self-interest. Another reason people help is because of egoism: to feel better about themselves and/or to confirm a good self-concept, to avoid guilt feelings, to look good to others, or even as an “investment” – as in back scratching – “I help you now, and someday you can return the favor.”

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[1] “Whiteness as an “Unmarked” Cultural Category.” Frankenberg. Article 6. The Meaning of Difference. Eds. Rosenblum, Travis. 2^nd edition. McGraw-Hill. 2000.

[2] AmeriStat, “200 Years of U.S. Census Taking: Population and Housing Questions 1790-1990.” U.S. Census Bureau. FROM: The Washington Post, Federal Page, August 13, 2001.

the first entry

Yay! I did it, my first blog. Look, Theresa!
This electronic journal not only can record my thoughts, but does it using my fave medium, the keyboard.
That's aaaalll, folks! Keep posted.