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Dear Little Sister,
I am so sorry to know that you are hurting. Ah, if you only knew how I want to make things right for you, good for you; make everything okay. And things will be right, they will be good, they will be okay. But there is a divine timetable of which we mortals are generally unaware, that marks our growth, rather our willingness to grow. Well-meaning humans often interfere with God’s plan for us and we suffer a detour to health and wholeness. Grief has its lessons. Troubles, heartaches, tragedy – they all give their lessons in this we call the school of life. If I knew the lessons that God was using to teach me what I needed to know before I experienced them, I would have balked and done anything to avoid them. I would have preferred “stupidity” to maturity, to wholeness, to awakening. If we don’t grow, why were we born? It is a question often asked by those who are confused and bewildered by life. Those who expect fairness or justice use the ageless argument: If there really is a God, why does He ………………..? fill in the blank.
I don’t know why Daddy left a large family at such a young age. I don’t know why my precious little daughter was put on this earth for a fraction of her life. But I do know that in seeking for those answers, I did find the One who can answer all of my questions. Well, let me tell you, my darling sister, there really is a God. To be sure, there is a God. I know you know that. He gave us a free will and that’s why the world is in such a mess. We screwed it up with our free wills. God is here to help us travel through the channels of life’s experiences to reach the pinnacle of purpose, of destiny. He is here to help us out of the consequences of our free will!
God ordained a way of life for His creation. That way of life for man did not include the alcohol and the carcinogens that claimed our daddy’s life. The way of that lifestyle is self-explanatory. The only problem with it is that we don’t really believe it will happen to us – until it does. Then we want out of it. Then we pray. And we blame God for it, or if we don’t, we expect Him to clean it all up for us, and why not? He is God, right? Well, God won’t violate His own laws. If he negates the consequences of free will then he negates his own law. But God is sovereign -- He can do whatever he wants.
What I want to say to you addresses some things that you are doing, some ways of thinking that you might have (or at least show evidences of) and I want to try to use my own life as an illustration so you won’t think I am judging you. I’m not judging you. I can judge myself, but not you. But please listen.
First of all, let me say something about salvation. Yes, if you call upon the Name of the Lord, you will be saved. But when it happens for real, Little Sister, the One who prompted you to call on His Name is there. It makes a difference. It makes the difference between what is real and what we imagine to be real. What is “supposed to happen” and what really happens. Sometimes we call upon the name of the lord to see if he will answer, to see if he is really there, to challenge the existence or the willingness of God.
When I called on the Name of the Lord about 25 years ago, I had a fresh packet of hypos at home and a dime of coke hidden in the typewriter. I had downers to help me with the crash and I had beer to mellow out and ease me back into my normal schedule. I had every intention of shooting up when I got home. I was going to “celebrate” my salvation, launch my “new life” with one last big coke rush. Kind of like that Saturday night pig-out before Diet Monday, know what I mean?
I didn’t call out for divine help just to see if He would answer. I called out to save my life. I was desperate. I wanted to die, I wanted relief from the pain I had known all of my miserable life. When help came, I met my Lord and Savior. Face to face. I recognized the almighty resurrection power of the Only One who could write in the Lamb’s book of life. I recognized that He alone could save me from myself, my sin, and my losses. Little sister, I owe Him so much. There is nothing I would not do for my Jesus. He gently guided me, as He has all of these years, to a place where I can receive from him. He died for me. If you have ever studied about the agonizing method of death by crucifixion, knowing that he surrendered to the divine will of the father to accept his fate, you can see how he loved us enough to die for us. And for all of humanity throughout time. You can get an idea. And then, as Father God, to give his only begotten son, for us, while we were yet sinners (not repentant and sorry and wishing we were better – no! when we were still arrogantly sinning!). Can you think of willingly giving the life of one of your children or even one of your grandchildren, witnessing his or her excruciating pain for a bunch of ingrates who curse you, blame you for anything and everything, and then deny your existence!
So let’s talk about losses. I can make an extensive list. You’re familiar with some of the more salient items on my list. I lost acceptance, and knew utter rejection (Mother’s version of the rape/abortion story that she told each of us was ours was sort of the genesis of my rejection…) Psychology tells us that parental rejection is the very worst kind and that it re-wires our childhood brain and programs us for failure, misery, suspicion, insecurity, lack of confidence, indecision, and self-loathing as we reach adulthood. That set me up for a life of disappointment and negativity. I spent 33 horrible years loathing the person I was and detesting the One who created me because of it! Said the clay to the potter: ‘Why make me thou thus?’ -- that was my constant complaint – Oh God why did you make me like this? Why didn’t you make me pretty? I don’t want to be smart, boys don’t like smart girls. You put me in a big family where I am just a number. Who am I?
When I read and understood Psalm 139, it was life-changing. It was pivotal. God made me on purpose! Me! On purpose.
Through salvation I re-entered childhood, I was re-born, and that’s why we say we are “born-again Christians.” (Usually that term is referred to jokingly, condescendingly as a religious fanatic!) There’s no other way to escape the ravages of sin. I searched for myself, reasons for living, I searched for my destiny, why things happened to me, why my little daughter died, why my husband killed himself, why this, why that…? I found some of the answers, but more importantly, I found the Answerer. And sometimes the details and the whys of our lives don’t really even matter because the personal relationship with Jesus eclipses our need for answers. He is all-encompassing, all loving, all fulfilling – he completely fills the void in our lives through every phase and space of our spirit, soul, and body.
Little sister, when you allow Jesus to meet your need through the power of his love for you, it will substitute your need for the numbing, dulling effects of alcohol. Or the habitual comfort of nicotine. Or the escapism of drugs. Or sex. Or movies. Or books. Or volunteering. Or school or classes. Or ANYthing that replaces the need for God in our lives. To be sure, it is a process. We become physically dependent on substances and activities that create a physiological habituation that can only be addressed through time.
When the alcohol isn’t satisfying that insatiable thirst, the drugs aren’t strong enough to deaden that excruciating pain, and we can’t smoke enough cigarettes to camouflage the stench of defeat in our lives, then we can turn to the only one we can turn to – Jesus. He accepts us, there is no rejection. He forgives us, he remembers our sin no more. God sees us through the eyes of Jesus and His love for us and we are perfect. We are mature, we are whole. We are his. We belong to him and He takes care of that which belongs to him. You were bought with a price, my sister. You were bought with the blood of Jesus. And the value of a thing is based on the amount paid for it. What is worth the blood of the son of the creator of the universe? You. You are worth it. Every drop of it.
And when you know Jesus can save you, help you, change you, then you know he can do it for those you love. The unspeakable indescribable pain that you feel for your children, for your grandchildren – you will understand that Jesus can and will help them. Just as I know he helped me, he saved me, I have every trust and confidence that he will do it for you. I can’t do it for you but I know the One who can.
Is Jesus calling you? Can you hear him?
I have asked Jesus to call you, my dear little sister, for many years. Do you hear his voice? Listen. I think you do.
Please know, Little Sister, that I love you as much as I love life itself. But I can never love you as much as Jesus does.
Always and ever,
Your Big Sister
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