Dianne

Sadness is knocking on our door again.
My big sister Dianne is teetering on the edge of now. She's leaning toward the horizon, seeming to fall behind that sharp line that swallows the sun.

She will be where the sunshine is. She is a part of sunshine, I think. The happy part, the innocent part. At least she has always illuminated my life. She was always there for me, chasing away the bitter darkness of rejection, the inky blackness of ridicule, and the shadows of aloneness.

Funny naive Dianne. Fiercely protective, unashamedly loyal. She is an honorable soldier in the battle of life. She fought lions for me. She wrestled bears for me. She stood tall and strong in the way of my tormentors, and chased them away. She made me feel safe. She taught me to be strong.

We both grew up. I learned lots of things that I could share with her. I had fought some of my own battles. And I won. I introduced her to my best Friend Jesus. She defended Him, too, only he didn't need her defense. In fact, she realized that it was He that had given her strength all along. And everything else that was worthwhile. He made her who she was and I think she recognized His love by the love He let her have for her friends and family. It made His love more real for her.

We are both old ladies now. Not so old, but not young. My warrior sister is tired. I was tired, too, a year or so back, but I regained energy; I still have things to do. Maybe Dianne will teeter behind that line where the sun disappears.

It will be a brighter, sunnier day when she does.

Relationships

Sometimes I just want to simplify my life and forget about relationships.

Arrange my day to suit myself. Me.
Go to work, a job that I absolutely love.
Focus on my cardio and strength training. 3 times a week! Walk every day!
Do my homework, gather my research and write papers for my master's program.
Read those books that I haven't had time for.

On the back burner goes the phone calls that would explain a misunderstanding.
Often it doesn't help anyway.
Take a message for the "Oh, I just couldn't talk that day" return caller.
Try to convince someone that I was serious, that I was grateful, that I didn't mean it that way, honestly my phone was not working....
Oh forget it.

"Seek to understand rather than to be understood."
"Be too big to take offense and too noble to give it."
"Pray for those that despitefully use you."
"Bless those that curse you."

All of that sounds good .....

Forgive

The act of forgiveness should be a constant in any Christian's life.
Perhaps even practiced daily.

A very long time ago I said something I should not have said. For one thing it was spoken in reaction, in defense to a false charge. And because it was so emotionally charged, the words did not come out in the way I had intended. Misunderstanding evolved, and other people were drawn into it. A rupture in the relationship occurred. Sides were taken and each side took position in their camp.

The accusation stood.

A band-aid was put on the rupture, but it barely covered what had become a festering infection that has spread underneath anything visible. No confrontation. No clearing. No meeting of the minds, just constant underlying revenge at every turn. It has developed into: "No, I am not mad at you, I just hate you." It has infected other relationships, it has manifested into a dismissal of any attempt at reconciliation.

It's easy to forgive when someone accepts your apology. When someone asks for forgiveness. When misunderstandings can be illuminated with truth. There is agreement and a mutual love bond that sustains the rocky hills of differing perspectives.

When cliches and "old wives' tales" govern thinking and positions hold even in the face of new evidence, it is sad.

It is even sadder when it cannot be changed.

Mama

Someday, I want to talk about Mama.
I want to talk to Mama.
I loved her.
I love her.
I miss her.
I miss what we didn't have.
Well, at least not since I was 5.

I do believe she resides in heavenly places.
Maybe she can hear me now.

Mama, let's have a cup o' tea and chat.

It's about health

Re-thinking.
I did go "back to the drawing board" so to speak. I had to. Even though I only lost four pounds, I miss my extra energy, my disposition.... and a number of other things.

So, if my focus is health, why did I cave at the "plateau?"
Well, because old habits die hard. I have missed my pre-non-smoking body for years. Possibly I suffer from body dysmorphia, but even at that, I can see my weight, my body shape.

But I think I might be beginning to appreciate the other benefits associated with a healthy life style. Make no mistake, I am a realist. I don't aspire to a pre-pubescent, boy figure anymore. Except for certain obvious exceptions, I had that figure for over 40 years. I'm not a model, don't want to be one. But I do expect to lose fat and get toned a bit more, have strength and energy.

The Biggest Loser was very inspirational -- but I did not realize those people worked out for SIX hours a day. My one hour, even 45 minutes per day does not compare! I thought I could lose the weight -- it would just take me longer -- but not sooooooooooo long! Sound contradictory? Maybe, but my mind processes like this! It's not always fun being me! :)

So!
Starting Monday, an hour of cardio. I will sweat.
And until I drop sizes, I will have more energy!

Go, Patty!
You can do it.
Yeah, me!

Well, it was inevitable, I guess.
I've hit the wall. I've hit the plateau.

After about only four measly pounds weight loss, I hit a plateau........???
Is that possible?

Since December 19, 2009, till now, 6 days a week (with maaaybeee... 3-4 days off), every morning at 5-ish, alternating treadmill and circuit.
That is TWO MONTHS!
I work hard.
I've cut back on portion sizes.
What is wrong?

Today I am taking a break, doing homework, exercising my mind today.
I'll see more results, I'm sure. I love learning.

I don't know at this point what it takes to lose weight, but I am determined to find out, then DO it.
People say all the time, "Oh, I have no problem losing weight. It's keeping it off that I have a problem with."
Well, I don't say that.
I can't say that.

Four pounds does not a success story make, unless it is accomplished in two weeks, not 2 months.

Back to the drawing board, so to speak.

Go, Patty.
Uh, yeah... right!
Go anyway!

Balancing Act

Paper is written.
Final has been taken.
Class is over.
Waiting on the grade.....
Signing up for the next class.

Working on the degree.
Seriously.

Friends need help.
I love them.
I help.
Cook.
Tutor.
Listen.

Kids with behavioral problems.
Family issues.
Set up meetings.
Kids cry.
Parents bewildered.
Kids lie.

Commitments.

Exercise.
Eat healthfully.
Prepare food.
Don't cheat.

Fun things to do.
Design curricula.
Write tests.
Psychology.
Teach it.
What an opportunity!

I am blessed.
Thank you, Jesus, for my life.